it's a big world out there

everyone says that when they retire they are going to travel. i am no exception. alot of the items on my bucket list are of places or things that i want to see or do. most of them require me to travel great distances in order to see them. i plan on crossing off most of them in the next few years before i get old and feeble. i don't want to stumble through the streets of paris with my walker, if i'm to stumble, let it be because i've had to much french wine, not because my strength has given out. now is the time to do it and i have begun the plans for our big european adventure. the "grand tour" if you will.
late summer/early fall of 2013 we will be jetting off to far flung places,to walk in the footsteps of the kings,stand in the shadows of stonehendge, climb the steps of the colosseum, wander through the catacombs, eat at local cafe's,marvel at the museums and cathedrals, ride the rails and sail the open seas. do i romanticize this trip? you bet i do!. this is the trip that dreams are made of.
i would go tomorrow, but the husband has obligations. this is not his dream, it's mine, and i think he will come along for the ride, but if he doesn't i shall go myself.
in the mean time, while i wait for him to be ready, i have several smaller trips in the works. this will have to satisfy my wanderlust for now. mexico, houston, the badlands,tofino, a trip or two back east to see family, vegas and hawaii are all on the agenda.- first stop cabo san lucas!!  see you when we get back!

i kissed a girl and i liked it

i have fabulous girl friends.
everyone of them is distinct and the wearer of a large personality.
some i have known since high school, some just for the last couple of years and then there are the ones who seem like they have always been there.
why do we connect with some people instantaneously? and some not at all? there is a chemistry among women, we are able to spot an ally from the first conversation, we can shift through the social niceties and zero in on like minded sisters. i have dismissed hundreds of "potential" friends because of that first meeting. did i judge too quickly? i don't think so. i either love you on the spot or i don't. if you have to grow on me then something is missing and it will never be quite right.
woman are so lucky! we are able to show our affection for each other and not have to worry about offending social norms. little girls hold hands in the school yard, friends spoon on freezing camping trips, we kiss each other on the lips, we can caress an arm or back when a friend is in crisis. no one thinks anythig of it.
men, on the other hand, can't show their affection. they are limited to back slaps or a punch in the arm. (except of course, football players, they are allowed to grab each others asses). men have the homophobic gene which most women do not possess. i feel sorry for the men. they are missing out on another whole level of intimacy that has nothing to do with sex.
so this is a kiss on the lips to all my friends, thanks for being who you are are. you have all enriched my life in many diverse and wonderful ways.
xoxoxoxoxo

a picture is worth a 1000 words

i take pictures. lots of them. my children call me the paparazzi. sometimes they get mad at me because i take so many.
one day they will thank me.
years ago, when my mother was in the later stages of alzheimers, i sat down with her one day. and we went through her pictures. some people she remembered, many she didn't. the ones she remembered came with  stories. stories i had never heard before. she told me things that day that i never knew. secrets she had kept for so long. i got to know a part of my mother that she had never shown me before. pictures brought those memories out of hiding. we both knew i was losing her and she gifted me her memories.

everyone deserves to be remembered.
everyone has a history.
have you ever gone through old albums and have a long forgotten memory spring into your head? suddenly, you are back at that place, that time, and it feels like today, not a 1000 yesterdays ago.
that is why i take alot of pictures. one day, when i am old, i will be able to look back and re-live my childrens youth, the family vacations, the birth of a grandchild, the sweet and the bittersweet.
i will remember the laughter and the tears and i will give that gift to my children.
and maybe a secret or two.

those were the days my friend

i have to go bathing suit shopping. if you are of the female persuasion,over 25 and have had a baby or 2 (or 4) then you understand the dread.
i'm not fat, but i'm not 20 anymore either. gravity, time, babies have worked their evil alchemy on my body. i need to cover up.
the bathing suit store is jammed with all these cute little strips of fabric that would no more cover up a mole let alone this aging body. then there is the rack. you know the one. the one at the back of the store with a dozen or so ugly, black numbers that you have resigned yourself to. they cover the tummy, have wide straps and sometimes a "flirty" little skirt to hide the top of your thighs.
i will try on every suit in the store, nothing will fit. i have a very long torso. so most bathing suits give me a wedgie. not attractive. the perky little salesgirl who wears a size 0 will tells me i look great in everything. she lies. the mirror does not lie.
i will look back at the fabric strips and remember when the only problem was what colour? how many? and will i get arrested if i wear this in public?
i will end up buying the black one with wide straps with as much bum coverage as possible. but not the one with the little skirt. i just don't feel flirty.

courage my love.........

i have been "retired" for exactly one week now. hmmmmmmm. i can amuse myself quite well, that is not the problem. i am feeling a tad isolated. all my friends work, so most days it's just been me and the dog.
i need to get out and meet people who are at loose ends during the day, and therein lies the problem. i'm shy.
don't laugh! you know it's true. when you first met me, who started the conversation? you did! once someone gets the ball rolling, i'm fine, but don't ask me to start it up. can't be done.
meeting new people scares me, i avoid social situations because of it. it's not that i care if they like me or not, it's just the initial encounter. my mouth gets dry, i have an urgent need for a cigarette (which these days is social suicide). i would rather be dropped into the pits of hell than be the first one to say hello. so i come off as a snob or (sometimes rightly so) a bitch.
since the world is not lining up at my door.........
today i am going to talk to a stranger. never mind that my mother drilled into me that you NEVER talk to strangers, today is the day i initiate a conversation.
does talking to the bank teller count?

is it spring yet?

            this is part of the lost gardens of heligan in cornwall england. i want to go there one day.

 this is such an ugly time of year. and my garden is no exception.
i kept putting off the fall cleanup of my garden. tomorrow i'll get at it. this weekend for sure, and then it snowed. i never did get it done, and now it looks like one of those children you see in the save the children ads. dirty, neglected, sad and unloved.
dead flower stalks, scraggley bushes, fallen leaves, a broken flower pot or two. it's not pretty. i will have my work cut out for me if and when spring ever decides to arrive.
i was wandering through the rubble and lo and behold! my heliotropes have poked through the snow, seed pods ready to burst into bloom any day now and my magnolia bush has tiny buds appearing. can spring be far behind? this inspired me to haul out my gardening magazines and start making a wish list for the weird and the wonderful, no petunias for me, i like my jungle.
this year i will have more time to devote to my garden.
perhaps i will make a moss sculpture of my own.

you can't always get what you want

i love the rolling stones!
i have been a fan/groupie forever. back in the day.... we went to every concert within a 3,0000 mile radius. seven times i have rocked it out with them, even went to the infamous concert for the blind. there was something about the energy and anarchy that drew me to them. for me, it was all about mick and keith, the rest of the band were just there in supportive roles. mick's strutting and mincing across the stage was so very sexy. and keith, well he just stood there lost in a drug induced haze and his music. you could feel every note, every riff. he was there to play and play he did.
are you a beatles fan or a stones fan? the lines were drawn back then, who you listened to, spoke about who you were. the beatles brought mania, the stones, mayhem.
i just finished reading keith richards autobiography "life". it's a mother of a book, 547 pages. it's a big book about a big life. reading it brought back so many memories. not just of going to concerts. but of my youth as well. made me reflect on choices made and not made. would i be a different person today if for example, i had screamed and fainted over paul mccartny? or would i still be the me i became? am i giving too much credit to a sub culture of so very long ago?
some of my choices were made nearly forty years ago. i live with those choices and have very few regrets. now i must make choices that will affect me for another forty years (i hope).
like the song says-
you can't always get what you want
but if you try some time
you'll get what you need.

but can she cook?

i have decided to become a vegetarian. it has nothing to do with my moral compass, in fact, i have always enjoyed being on the top of the food chain and have been known to exclaim on more that one occasion, "i need meat" i'm just tired of being in pain all the time. chemotherapy for all it's wonderful healing qualities also has the propensity to do some damage as well.  for me, i ended up with irritable bowel syndrome and assorted other goodies. meat, grease and spicy foods just do not sit well with me anymore. tofu is out because my cancer was estrogen based so i have to avoid all soy products and things with natural estrogen like pomegranates, flax, etc. the list is long.
anyone who knows me, knows that my lack of culinary skills are legendary. presidents choice and i are on a first name basis and my children had to go to school to find out that all cookies did not always have to come out of a box.
now that i have more time on my hands, i need to learn how to cook vegetarian, most of the pre-packaged foods have tofu in them. my family has not jumped on board with me, which is fine, so i also need to learn to cook in small quantities.
if any of you could recommend a good cookbook or share a recipe it would be greatly appreciated.
i promise, i will not become a fanatic about this. i will not expound on the joys and health benefits of becoming vegetarian, i will just quietly munch my carrot sticks and covet that lovely piece of meat you are eating.

it is with great sadness...................

i love my shoes!
yesterday afternoon was closet cleaning day. i am a hoarder. not the disgusting kind that saves garbage and old food, i hoard my clothes and shoes, because you never know when you will need a particular item, and sure as the day is long, if you give something away....... within a few weeks you could have worn that particular dress, coat, whatever. every once in while tho, i take a deep breath and dive into the depths of my closet and purge.
about 3 years ago, i realized that 5" heels were no longer comfortable for me, so i gave them all away with the exception of one pair which i kept as a memento of my glory days . and now.............( i have only admitted this to a few people), i find that 4"ers do not serve me well either. my hips and knees hurt and my balance is all off, oh the joys of aging!
so i packed up several dozen of them and gave them away to charity. out there somewhere soon, will be some bargain hunter who will come across my cache' of beautiful 4" shoes. they will squeal with delight and quickly grab as many as they can, marveling at their good fortune.
so it is with great sadness that i am now reduced to 3"ers. not that i don't have several lovely pairs at that height, it's just that the foot doesn't arch quite so high and the calf muscle is not flexed quite so tautly.
i did save my last remaining 5" pair.
perhaps i will have them bronzed.

i need a crystal ball

now most people, when they want to retire, go and see their financial adviser BEFORE they actually decide that they want to do this. i, on the other hand, went today. not the most fiscally responsible move, but i did have a fairly good idea where i stood.
i'm going to be okay. now i can't go on a wild spending spree, after all, this has to last me the rest of my life, or at some point, i will have to become a walmart greeter or bus tables at mcdonalds in my golden years.
this is where the crystal ball comes in. IF i knew i only had "x" number of years, then that would be my marker for how much i could spend. say for example, if i only had 5 years left, well then, it's party time baby! but if i knew i had 30 years left, then i would have to be a bit more circumspect, unless i want to work at one of the aforementioned jobs or eat cat food in some squalid 4th floor walk-up bed-sitting room.
since i don't know anyone in the crystal ball gazing business, i am going to have to practice moderation. uhhhgg that's an ugly word. i'm an all or nothing type of person. so moderation is my new mantra.
so no jetting off to paris just yet, but i do see cabo san lucas in my very near future!
i can live with that.

and i simply walked away..........

that's it! i'm done!
i have been waiting for this day now, for almost a year. it's a tad on the surreal side.
did i just walk out of the office for the very last time?
 someone else will sit at my desk, do my work and very soon it will be as if i was never there. even i am not so self centered as to believe that i am irreplaceable.
as bittersweet as my leave taking is, i leave with no regrets.

the price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change-bill clinton.

there will always be another ship, another tide.

and so i am joining the world of bloggers. cyber narcissism at your fingertips.
i shall attempt to chronicle my foray into retirement. as per usual, i did not think it quite through, jumped in and then said NOW WHAT?
i have not a clue as to what i will do with my days. yes i have stated that my house needs a long overdue cleaning (i am the queen of the 10 minute tidy) but it will only take me a week or so to conquer the goblin farts.
then my adventure begins. 
only1 more working day til i jump ship.